Article of the Month:
Are You Trying to Love Yourself or FIX Yourself?
By Karen Kral, M.A., LPC
When many of us journey onto the personal and spiritual growth path, we begin to think that we have found our ticket. We have found the way to fix all of our problems so that we can finally be happy and have all the wonderful things in life that we have been missing. So, we start to use Inner Bonding, or many of the other tools available in our self-help world, and we go about the work of changing and fixing ourselves so that we can be happy.
Along the way, a lot of positive things happen. As we learn about self responsibility, our language begins to change. We stop talking about controlling and fixing others. We stop complaining about “them”. We pause and refrain from describing ourselves as victims. We begin to understand that the problem does not exist “out there” with other people, nor does the solution.
As we learn these valuable lessons and practice implementing our new tools, we start to feel better. We feel like we have more power over our life, our happiness, our destiny. And, so we continue onward.
Yet, we must be vigilant. At times, it is not until we have had some significant experience with Inner Bonding that we can begin to recognize the more subtle ways in which we may still be trying to control. And, very often, these control strategies are hidden right in the midst of our personal and spiritual growth practices themselves.
The most common control strategy I have found myself engaging in while doing my Inner Bonding process is the strategy of trying to “fix” something in myself. At these times, I am often very aware of what I “want”. I want to be happy. I want a more honest relationship with a family member. I want better health. I want more peace in my life. I want things to be easier. Because I want good things, I don’t notice at first quite what I am doing. My process seems innocent. I think I am in the intention to learn. But, if I tune in to my feelings, I will notice that from this wanting of “good things”, there is craving. And, from this craving, a subtle pressure builds within me. And the pressure begets urgency. I want it now! I want my life to be better! “Oh, if I just do this Inner Bonding process with my Inner Child right now and figure out what is going on in this situation or that situation, then I will be happy.”
I think I want something good. But, this doesn’t feel so good. This is the subtle feeling that I can get in touch with that is beneath all of the other issues that are going on in my life—the issues that I sat down to do Inner Bonding about. I may have begun my Inner Bonding process to look at anxiety over a work situation, frustration at my husband, or sadness about a loss. But, right here, right now, as I am using the Inner Bonding process itself and wanting things in my life to be “good” and “better”, I can tune in to a deeper layer of control, one that is trying to escape my notice.
If I am willing to be open to this subtle layer of feeling and ask my Inner Child about it, she may just have something to say that will change my life and my relationship with her forever.
So, I have asked:
“Inner Child, what am I doing or saying that’s making you feel pressured inside?”
And, she has responded:
“Mommy, you are using Inner Bonding to try to FIX me right now, and fixing me is not the same as loving me!”
Wow. The first time I heard that, it was quite a realization. My wounded self felt affronted. “I am just trying to get us a little happiness”, she thought to herself. “What is that little girl complaining about? Doesn’t she want to be happy, too?”
Well, over the years, my Inner Child and I have had many conversations about this “fixing” energy that I, and most people I know, can get caught in. My Inner Child has told me how painful it feels when I try to fix her. And, she has drawn a clear line in the sand between my desire (my want) to LOVE her and every other possible thing under the sun. She has told me that I have to be willing to give up everything—even my idea of happiness—in order to simply love her. They seemed so close to me—the desire to be happy and the desire to love my Inner Child—and at times they can be one and the same. But, she will always know the difference. She will feel it. And, if you are willing, you can feel it, too.
So, I invite you…
The next time you are doing your Inner Bonding process, the next time you are preparing your healthy meal, doing your meditation, your yoga or your exercise—notice what your subtle intention is. Are you doing it because you believe that in order to be happy, something in you needs to change? Or, are you doing it because you recognize that the radiant light that you are deserves your love?
